even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
