This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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