ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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