so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
