I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
