my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
