Your mouth is God's brothel.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just had sex on a roof
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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