sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
