we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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