everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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