it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
