if i died would you start the facebook group?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We had sex on a dog bed..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
