im having a threesome with these popsicles
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
