Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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