I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
