I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
