dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
