theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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