my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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