I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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