Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
