The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
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We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
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Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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