My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
