I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
