I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
