Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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