We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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