My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
