the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
