It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
