I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
