Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
