I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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