i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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