he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
