I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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