His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
