god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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