my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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