this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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