i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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