got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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