fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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