my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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