Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
