Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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