im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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