i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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