I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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