big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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