The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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