My cat gives me a boner
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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