So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
