I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
