***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
