Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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