And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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