I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
