perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
